Are you there Troll? It’s me, Sophie

Previously on “Sophie, She Wrote”…

…I had what I thought was quite an amusing email correspondence with a certain supermarket.

One guy wasn’t very happy about it.

This is his story.

Disclaimer: This blog contains goblins and witchcraft.  The trolling may be real but some of what you are about to read has been created for your amusement. (Loosely based on the popular Norwegian fairy-tale Three Billy Goats Gruff)


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…in a land far far away, there lived a fair maiden (me).

 Look, I know this is even more narcissistic than usual but it is my story, you can be the princess in your own story. I write a story, I get to be the fair maiden – capiche?

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

The fair maiden lived in a cottage in the deep dark wood with her hilarious yet very messy sidekick Maude. Maude won’t feature too much in this story as she is currently on holiday with her boyfriend (how rude).

Every day the maiden would go to work collecting wild flowers.  Although the fair maiden enjoyed her job she always dreamed of leaving the deep dark wood and seeing what was outside. The problem was that to get out of the wood she would have to climb over thick brambles and under prickly hedges and across a wide river. It could take years and she wasn’t sure she had the upper body strength or general fitness to survive the journey. The maiden had joined a gym but didn’t go nearly as often as she should, to the extent that they had changed the access codes and she hadn’t realised. That was embarrassing.

www.thefunnyplace.net

Always follow your heart…

Then one day, the fair maiden came across a friendly goblin. The goblin took pity on the maiden and gave the maiden a magic notebook and a pen.  He said that if she wanted to, she could get her way over the brambles and under the hedges and across the river,  all she had to do was write in the magic notebook.

The maiden thanked the goblin. The maiden did not make enough money from her flower selling gig to buy an Apple MacBook Air so she took the notebook and pen and went on her way. (The maiden is still accepting donations for this btw).

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The Magic Notebook can also be purchased in Paperchase if you don’t have a goblin around

From then on every day after she came back from the market the maiden would sit down and write in the magic notebook. She wrote about anything and everything that came into her head. Some of it was good, some of it was utter rubbish but the fair maiden didn’t care.

Sure enough, over time, the fair maiden noticed that the brambles were getting thinner and the hedges were getting less prickly and she began to hope that she could maybe get out of the forest.

Then the fair maiden reached the wide river and she sat down to write.  True to form a bridge started to appear.  Eventually she had written so much that the bridge stretched all the way over to the other side of the river. The maiden was really a bit scared as she hadn’t had much success in building things. The flat-pack bed she had made a few years before had collapsed several times before she had to resort to begging someone at the shop to come round and build it for her.

It's not just a bed, it's a Marks and Spencer's bed (actual image of my DIY skills)

It’s not just a bed, it’s a Marks and Spencer’s bed (actual image of my DIY skills)

Then, out of nowhere, a horrible troll appeared. This was not the cute 1990s troll that had multi-coloured hair and sat on top of your pencil.  No, this troll was big and smelly and had very callous fingers.  If anyone was in need of some hand cream, it was this guy.  The troll told the fair maiden that he had seen several other fair maidens and some gentlemen also trying to get out of the forest and that he had thrown them all into the water.  He also mentioned some goats he’d had a run in with once, but I digress.

The troll took the notebook and pen and wrote a comment on the story.  “Sophie next time can you use some of your artistic licence to edit some of the duller parts of your blog. Or to save the world from your weak efforts as some sort of comedic writer, just avoid tapping your fat fingers on the keyboard and producing a blog in the first place.”

The fair maiden paused briefly to bask in the use of the words “comedic writer” – quite a compliment really.  Also, if he was going to call any part of her body fat, the fair maiden was pleased he chose her fingers.  Ring size was not an issue for the fair maiden just yet.  Thighs and arse, now that would have been really hurtful!

Still, the fair maiden was a bit confused about what the troll had said. She didn’t understand why the troll felt the need to tell her he didn’t like her writing or why he was being such a douche.

The fair maiden went back to her cottage and put the magic notebook in a drawer and locked it tightly.  The brambles got thicker, the hedges got pricklier, and the fair maiden accepted the fact that maybe she would live in the forest forever.

Then the fair maiden realised that the troll was probably lonely and didn’t have anything better to do with his time. Throwing people in the river can’t be that much fun and was likely giving him a bad back. I bet he doesn’t get to do dress down Friday or after-work drinks, and the Christmas party is probably a bit shit too, poor lad.

Plus anyone who has had his arse handed to him by three goats can’t be too scary!

What you lookin at?

So the fair maiden decided to take the magic notebook out of the drawer and wrote a great, if slightly longwinded, story about her fight with the troll. Once again the brambles cleared and the bridge was built. This time the bridge was so high and so sturdy that the troll couldn’t shake it. He tried to jump to catch the maiden but slipped on his disgusting troll feet, bumped his head on a tree and fell in the river.

The villagers rejoiced! From that day on all the fair maidens and gentlemen could easily cross the river without being scared of the troll.

The fair maiden went back to the goblin and told him she also wanted to meet a handsome prince.

The goblin said there wasn’t enough magic in the world, even he couldn’t help with that, and suggested she try Tinder.

 

The End.

 


It amazes me how people find it amusing to tear down others via the world wide web.  I had a choice, I could ignore him and carry on as normal, I could be upset by his ridiculous comments, or I could use his lovely words and write a fairy-tale.  I chose the latter and I hope you like it.

To my troll – kindly note I have protected your identity by not revealing your name.  If you don’t like my blog, don’t read it.  Do something productive with your time like working in a soup kitchen or learning to be a belly dancer.

Thanks for the material though – much appreciated!

Speak soon

Soph   x
For my Thought Catalog article on how to own and maintain your very own troll click here

 

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “Are you there Troll? It’s me, Sophie

  1. Pingback: Are you there Troll? It’s me, Sophie | TinderNews

  2. I’ve had shits that’s are more amusing (and probably better looking than you). Though I have to say your act of kindness is noted- Thanks so much for not disclosing my identity and shielding me from the wrath of ALL 4 of your followers. I did worry that your obnoxious army of followers may descend on me and rape and pillage my home town like some scene from Braveheart (you should watch that- instead of blogging…a better way to spend 3 of your sad lonely hours). Im pretty stoked you wrote a blog about me though. I imagine there is little else going on in your boring desk job (I’m hoping blogging is not a full time post). Anything that saves a post about noodles or the merits of couscous (pretty sure you are in the middle of penning that one) is a bonus for the blogging world. Just quit you are not even funny as a shit.

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    • Aw thanks for the lovely comment and for stopping by the blog. It really doesn’t bother me as thankfully I can see the funny side but it is concerning if it was someone who took it to heart. I know people who have stopped writing altogether because of nasty comments. I’m going to keep going regardless 🙂

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  3. Found you on donotgetsickinthesinkplease.wordpress.com, thereby proving that shameless plugs do work! I’m impressed … I’ve come to the conclusion that having a troll, like having bizarre search items leading to your blog, is an indication that you’ve arrived in Blogland. I am not yet established enough to have a troll … Do you think I could borrow yours? Or would that be cheating?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha, this is hilarious! And I have to admit, what makes it even better is the fact that this troll came back and put the first comment on this post! I guess he finds something good on your blog for him to keep coming back, despite his best attempt to convince us all otherwise. I would normally hope that someone as pathetic as he finds happiness eventually, but then we’d be deprived of entertainment. 🙂

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  5. Pingback: The more Facebook follows I get, the less likely I am to die alone. Right? | Sophie, She Wrote

  6. I found this from your guest blog on the Blog Awards site and this is probably my new favourite blog post I’ve ever read. I laughed so much (although I am sad your goblin can’t help in the prince department 😔) and I think the way you dealt with this situation was amazing and really showed how stupid trolling is in the first place. It’s funny that he said your time must be lonely in his comment here but he;s the one with enough free time to keep coming back! I don’t understand why people would do it, if I don’t like someones post or blog I never feel compelled to tell them, I just don’t read it anymore. But I love how you’ve spoken up about it here, without running away from what was said but just showing him who’s boss! x

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    • thanks Hannah! I was so embarrassed at first but he is clearly a weirdo. At the time I think 2 people read my blog so he must have hunted for it – crazy!

      thank you for the lovely comment – glad it made you smile 🙂

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  7. Pingback: Why is the Nativity like the Great British Bake Off? | Sophie, She Wrote

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