Screw you guys, I’m going home



This is it. Moving day.

And when I say moving day – I don’t mean “I’ve met someone and now we’re in love and going to live together” Day, or “I have saved so much money I can buy a house” Day.

This is “I have no assets, no relationship and I can’t afford to keep renting so I’m moving back in with my parents and I’m nearly 29” Day.

This was not part of the plan – then again the plan is pretty much redundant. I never did get to star in an episode of Friends, I wasn’t discovered by a model scout aged 12, and I’ve just found out Zack from Saved by the Bell has married someone else. Twice.

To drown my sorrows I bought a foot-long Subway and walked out without it.  it was ten minutes before I realised.

This day is not going well.

You and me both Phoebe

I’m being a tad melodramatic. My mum and dad are two of the nicest people you ever could meet. They are currently on holiday in Portugal so I am moving back in as a surprise for them when they get home.  I’m the nicest daughter ever!

Whilst I am incredibly grateful to my parents for having me back, when everyone else is getting married, pregnant or buying houses it has made me question a few things and wonder how the hell I got here.

Then I remembered.

In the past 3 years of city living I have had 3 apartments and 2 housemates, both insane.  I’ve had 1 major flood, 1 minor flood and 4 bed collapses (due to inept construction).  I’ve had 3 jobs in 2 different places.  I’ve amassed 1 store card and 2 credit cards. I’ve spent around £4,000 on lunches because I can never be bothered to make them.  I’ve lost 576 debit cards (cautious estimate), 4 phones and had 3 different numbers. I’ve lost 20lbs and gained 25lbs.  I’ve drunk 2984 glasses of wine and had 161 shots of tequila.

It is a miracle that I’m still alive.


I don’t like cats but I think I’d like this one

If I am going to survive the next 12 months without ripping apart my parents’ 35 year marriage I am going to have to start looking at this positively.

Reasons why moving home is the best thing ever

  1. I will save a big pile of money, as long as I don’t spend it
  2. I get to spend lots of time with my lovely family
  3. I’ll be closer to my friends and baby Harry  – I really want to be his favourite
  4. Wi-Fi – huzzah!
  5. I can finally get on board with Netflix and watch everything everyone else has been watching for the past three years.
  6. Free wine
  7. Free food, although must remember the larder is where the downstairs toilet used to be.
  8. I can pretend that the reason I am single is because I live with my parents and not because I spend my time watching mystery dramas in my pjs
  9. I found £1.73 in pennies  and 2 euros when sorting out my room

Ah, that feels better!



For those of you that saw the list I wrote at the start of the summer and were wondering how I was getting on with it.  I haven’t achieved anything of value.  The most interesting thing I’ve done this week was to re-install Tinder.  After all, everyone knows someone who knows someone who met their husband/wife/cat online and have never been happier, right?


The people that find love online are the same brand of annoying as the people who can find bargains on eBay, get to the car just before the parking ticket is issued, and never forget their keys. In short – the opposite of me.

This is how my night went:

11:23pm – had a wine and thought it would be a good idea to re-install Tinder.

11:24pm – forgot whether it is right for like or left so liked a guy with a face tattoo by accident

11:26pm – It’s a Match! His name is James.  Now having to look at Tinder with one eye closed which can only be a good sign.

Message from James: “Are you for real?”


So confused. What do you mean James?? Are you asking me if I am in fact a human being?  Are you having an existential crises? Are you high?

11.29pm -After being pretty confused by the message I decided that this guy is an idiot and deserves to be told so.

James: “Are you for real?”

Me: “No, it’s your mum.”

Admittedly, not the most mature response but what was he expecting?

James: “Sorry I just get a lot of fake accounts on here so wanted to check”

Me: “I think you may be a teensie bit paranoid there Jim (We’re friends now so I can call him Jim), you’re on Tinder at midnight on a Wednesday.  Not on Homeland.”

Then I “unliked” Jim.  It was sad but I’m sure he’s over it. I couldn’t cope with his particular brand of paranoia mixed with desperation.  Then again, I was on Tinder.

11:32pm – It’s a Match! David this time. Profile picture is him playing rugby. Standard.

David: Hi. Still awake at this time. LOL.”

Needless to say that friendship never really got going.  I’m pretty sure you are not laughing out loud, and I am sure of this because nothing you said was remotely funny.  You made an observation and then had a fit of hysterics.  I can see it now:

David: “It’s raining. ROFL

*falls to floor and rolls around*

Me: “Get out.”


Of course he's on Tinder, he's clearly single and desperate!

Warning: This guy is NOT on Tinder. I can tell because he hasn’t taken the picture in the toilet.

I think at this stage I did what every self-respecting twenty-something girl would do.   I turned off Tinder, went on Facebook, posted a questionable status, put on my Castle DVD boxset and fell asleep.  It was wild!

I have come to the conclusion that internet dating just isn’t for me.  I cant be bothered with it.  For the time being anyway.  Ask me in ten years when I am still living with my mum and dad and I may have changed my mind!

Speak soon (if I’m good and tidy my room my mum might let me borrow the laptop)

Soph x



7 thoughts on “Screw you guys, I’m going home

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