What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting


Dear Reader

I have HUGE news.

c/o freakingnews.com


I’ve been struggling to get my head around this for the past 3 months or so and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t really nervous about telling you.

The thing is that I’m not sure I am ready for the responsibility, not to mention the additional expense and the sleepless nights.  I’m not in a relationship so to have this extra thing in my life and to be doing it all by myself is scary and I hope people won’t judge me for it.

At first I thought I couldn’t go through with it but I have got used to the idea and I’m really excited.  So, in spite of my reservations I’ve decided that these things happen for a reason and I am going to embrace this next step in my life…

Here goes…

Meet the new addition…



It’s a girl!


Isn’t she beautiful?

What? you thought I was going to say I was pregnant?!

Good grief no!  Do you not know me at all?

If I was pregnant it would have to be the Immaculate Conception and I’m pretty sure if there is a God and He does decide to come back at some point,  He probably won’t do it via a podgy 28 year old with a penchant for karaoke and KitKats.

Yes, I live with my parents, I drink too much, and I have the core strength of an arthritic 83 year old, but from today onwards I can say that I am the proud owner of my very own laptop!

I sense this wasn’t the huge news you were expecting – I can feel your disappointment – but frankly I don’t care.

I’m not getting married anytime soon, I’m not hopeful for a promotion, and the Stork has been warned to stay the hell away from my house.  This is the biggest thing to happen to me in a very long time.


“But Sophie, wasn’t the point of moving home to save money?”

Yes, Dear Reader, it was.  Unfortunately, much like my jokes, I too am getting old.  Well, old-ish.  As of next Tuesday, 30th September, I will be 29 years of age.

To those of you that are older than 29, please don’t be offended.  I’m not saying 29 is old.  I’m just saying that in my head the Millennium was a couple of years ago, Friends has only just finished, and Will Smith is still a credible rapper.


Willenium - see what he did there?

Willenium – see what he did there?

Getting older is rubbish.  I noticed the other night when I was getting ready to go out that I have started to get saggy eyelids! What the hell?  Its bad enough that my life has just taken a major step backwards without my eyelids starting to droop!  I have finally stopped taking my ID with me on a night out.  There’s no way anyone is going to think this kid is under 18.  *sob*

Whilst ageing is terrifying, it does come with the handy consolation prize of presents.  I have to say a big thanks to the slightly foolish people at PC World who decided I was good for 12 months interest free credit.   The final payment is my sister and 12 camels but hey ho, swings and roundabouts.

“So you have a laptop, big whoop”

Dear Reader, please restrain from commenting until the end of the post.  If you will insist on interrupting me I take this opportunity to remind you that this does affect you too.

This means that I no longer have to write my blogs at work (in my lunch hour and after 5pm obviously) and we can continue our fabulous friendship without the danger of me getting sacked.

Are you excited?

I can only assume your tears are tears of joy and not the slow realisation that I will be annoying you for the foreseeable.

you - right now. (I'm guessing)

you right now (I’m guessing)


Don’t get too excited and think that me owning something thats not edible means I am growing up.

Believe me.

My life is still ridiculous.

If you need proof, talk to Naz and Jason at PC World Trafford Centre.  Thanks to me being the most unorganised 28 year old in history, what should have been an easy sale turned into a three hour slog involving a call to customer services because this guy left her debit card in the cash machine.  Luckily there are still some decent people in the world and some lovely person handed it in.

Needless to say when Jason asked me if I wanted insurance, he pretty much said he wouldn’t be able to sleep until I bought it.  He’s probably right.

I am not the only one who has been having a technological transformation this week.  In case you’ve been in a coma, apparently the iPhone 6 is now out.  As someone who only recently got an iPhone 4 I can safely say I couldn’t really care less.  Some people are obsessed and queued up for days outside the apple store to get one.

Do these people not have jobs and lives and the ability to order online?  You’d think they were giving away free chicken wings.  Now that I would queue up for.

One douchebag got a phone and promptly dropped it.  If that isn’t a sure sign of karma in action I don’t know what is.

Yes – I have bought a protective case for the MacBook, and a sleeve, and I won’t move whilst holding it, or hold a beverage within 50 feet.  I promise.



The queue to get the Nokia 3210 back in the day. c/o getty images


Other than buying the most expensive yet most fragile thing I have ever owned, I don’t really have much more news this week.  Oh, I moved back in with my parents – but I guess you already know that.  I’m on Day Five and so far I think we are still in the honeymoon phase.  I say this because my mum has welcomed me home from work with wine and a cooked meal and my dad hasn’t had a heart attack yet.

I’ll keep you updated.

In celebration of this being the 53rd week until my 30th birthday I am having my very own stay-cation.  By this I mean I have slept in, raided the fridge and attempted to sort my life out.  I haven’t been on holiday but I have learned that if one day some poor fellow is delusional enough to want me to bear his children, I would make an excellent stay-at-home mum.

Until that day comes, and it will or my own mother will never forgive me, this little laptop will be my baby.  It’s better than a baby actually.  My laptop will not poop herself – I hope or I will need to buy a bigger case.

Now if someone could show me how to use the is damn thing I’ll be forever in your debt.

Speak Soon

Soph x


(This is for Carly and Jamie – who are expecting xxx)



14 thoughts on “What To Expect When You’re Not Expecting

  1. Happy Birthday for Tuesday, Soph and many congratulations on your new arrival and with not giving you dad a heart attack.
    I hope the new arrival does not give you too many problems or sleepless nights. The nice people at my local Apple store know me very well and are always very helpful, so if you have an Apple store near you then I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to help out (providing you can get to them in the first place through the huge queues of people wanting the bendy iPhone 6).
    Have fun 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Slightly Ashamed Mary | Sophie, She Wrote

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