12 Most Irritating Things To Say To A Single Person

This is the full article I wrote for http://www.12Most.com. Original Article here

Republished with permission, courtesy of 12 Most. I’ve added the pictures.

Also – I Googled “Famous Single People” and it came back with Jesus, Oprah and Gwyneth.

gwyneth

not. impressed. c/o http://www.theguardian.com

It’s official: there are more single people than ever before, 124.6 million single Americans in August 2014. This is more than half of the adult population. The figures are similar here in the UK.

In spite of this, there are still a few of you happy couples who have yet to grasp the idea that we singletons are not a different species. The Takens, as I like to call them, often upset, embarrass or are just downright rude to us Singles simply because we have not yet found The One.

What they fail to realize is that we have found him or her but have then discovered that they are also The One With The Body Odor, The One with the Wife, or worse, The One With The Venereal Disease.

I have therefore compiled this handy list of things not to say to a person who is single. If used properly it could save friendships, avoid arguments and just make the world a happier place.

1. You’re a modern day Bridget Jones

Ever since the release of the book and smash hit movie, any single woman over the age of 25 has to be forced to be compared to “our Bridge.” This is not a compliment. You have just compared us to a slightly overweight woman with bad hair who is so desperate for love she sleeps with her boss, wears huge pants, drinks like a fish, and curses like a sailor. You assume that we all wear flannel pajamas, get drunk, and sit around singing Celine Dion moaning about how sad it is that we aren’t in love. It’s true, sometimes we do this but trust me — the hangover is enough of a reminder. Please don’t add to the headache.

Ok I know I do this.  Also she's not even that fat!!

Ok I know I do this. Also she’s not even that fat!!

2. I just don’t get why you haven’t got a boyfriend

We understand that our love lives confuse you. We are sorry that we don’t have the answers you are craving. We will try harder.

3. You ate out on your own? That’s so brave

Not brave. Necessary. Single people get hungry too.

4. You should do online dating. My friend did and she’s married now

I am pretty certain this is an urban legend put out by the evil geniuses behind Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and the rest of the dating website world. Many a single has been tempted into the world of online dating after hearing a story like this. It’s exciting to venture into the unknown where we are likely to meet our soul mate and be whisked off our feet. Cut to four months later — we haven’t been proposed to, we are deleting the seventh obscene message from “BigDave1974,” and wondering why we ever bothered.

I don’t object to online dating per say. I am sure that it works well. What we singles don’t appreciate is the insinuation that just because we aren’t currently in a relationship, we have to be doing everything in our power to try and find one. It is as though we can’t possibly be happy without it. This is especially annoying as, most of the time, the people that suggest online dating haven’t had to resort to it themselves. They met their husband/wife at university, at work, or back in the days before Facebook when people actually met in real life before knowing each other’s star signs. It’s the dating equivalent of a vegetarian telling us where to go for the best beef burger in town — useless and unnecessary.

5. What are your plans for Valentine’s Day?

This should be obvious, no?

6. Can I play on your Tinder?

After finally caving into the world of online dating, we would be thrilled for you to treat it as an alternative to Angry Birds. Right swipe away!

screen-shot-2014-03-17-at-6-40-07-pm

7. You’re lucky you don’t have to keep shaving your legs

Female singles only, unless you’re into that kind of thing guys. Yes, we are single – but whilst we don’t have to suffer the “inconvenience” of sharing a bed with our beloved, this doesn’t mean we throw all grooming out of the window and live like the feral creatures we are. Why bother shaving, or even showering for that matter, when you don’t have a partner in life? Come to think of it, why bother getting out of bed at all?

8. Which character from Sex and The City are you most like?

Because every single woman must fall into one of four categories: career driven cynic, desperate romantic, sex fiend, or Sarah Jessica Parker.

9. Are you renting or do you own?

This isn’t directly related to our relationship status but it does have a certain overlap. What we want to say in response to this question is, “Of course I am renting — I can’t afford a mortgage on my own. I barely manage to do the food shopping let alone convince a bank manager to lend me 10 times my salary when I clearly have no other assets.”

Buying a house is expensive. Unless we earn a hefty wage it is only in special circumstances that a single person can afford to purchase their own home. If you have managed this, bravo! We are all very proud of you. Me? I’m moving back in with my parents, so I tend to respond to this question by just running away screaming.

10. Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone

Erm… thanks for the vote of confidence. We weren’t actually that worried until you said it. Now we can’t stop thinking that we will never meet anyone, ever. We will live with our parents for the rest of our lives and become the neighbourhood Boo Radley.

giphy

11. I’m bringing a friend and he’s single

On behalf of singles everywhere — stop this. We were looking forward to going to the gig with you. We didn’t even mind that your boyfriend was coming as we get along, but now we will have to spend the whole night avoiding your friend from work and having conversations with you where you keep winking. You’ve successfully turned a fun night into an awkward and very public date that we didn’t want to go on in the first place. Thanks.

12. How’s the love life?

This is the single most irritating question anyone not in a relationship can be asked. You may be genuinely interested, you may be just being polite, but why feel the need to ask it in the first place? We don’t ask you how your relationship is going, whether you’re happier now you’re married, and if the sex is as good as it used to be. That would be rude. We assume that your relationship and your marriage are going well until you tell us otherwise. We don’t want to pry and we don’t want to force you to lie about how happy you are if, in reality, your partner has morphed into Freddy Kruger.

Over the years, I and the rest of the Singles have been developing a set of go-to responses to deal with this situation. We aim to answer politely but also warn you not to continue down this line of questioning if you want to keep both of your eyes in their sockets. Here are some of the best:

•  “What love life?” — short, simple, effective.
•  “Who? Me? Nothing new to report” — aka this story will not be very interesting so don’t bother asking.
•  “I’m going to die alone” — should illicit a swift change of topic. Good if you are genuinely feeling blue as it is usually followed by a compliment.

If you are in a happy relationship, please trust that we are happy for you. Just be aware that while some of us also want to be in relationships, the rest of us are perfectly happy the way we are (although if Bradley Cooper suddenly becomes available, please give him my number!). If in doubt, remember — single people are normal people just with a slightly different outlook on life. Like vegans but with a higher blood alcohol level.

Yes Taylor Swift.

Yes Taylor Swift.

Is it just me that has to deal with this or do you do too? Let me know by commenting below. I will also need more answers to awkward questions, as my friends now realize what I’ve been doing all this time (oops!).

 

 

13 thoughts on “12 Most Irritating Things To Say To A Single Person

  1. I’ve been single for over four years. Thankfully my near and dear have stopped fretting over my singlehood. My long-standing argument has been, “I have control over the remote, the thermostat, and the middle of the bed, so why would I give that up?” The friend who just finished yet another Terminator marathon because her husband insists it’s more accurate to the future of the future than anything else ever produced Ray Bradbury be damned understands my point. The friend who has to wear two layers and hide under a blanket just to be comfortable on her own couch because her husband insists on lowering the thermostat to just above freezing understands my point. The friend who needs a harness to keep her from falling out of bed because her husband, kids, and multiple pets have claimed most of the territory understands my point. Sure, I had to make it for about two years before it sunk in, but it finally did. I’m happy being single. I think I’m The One.

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  2. I have been single for some time and marvel my friends still consider me in the “who falls next” wager to wed. I have yet to find that person who will just accept that guy who exerts inordinate effort to be abrasive to bullies will always well up and choke every time Dakota Fanning yells for Creasy at the end of Man on Fire and not share my reaction with her friends to impress them with my sensitivity. I do miss stealing her razor to shave my face with because those little sensitive strips are the schizzle.

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  3. OMG I love this! It’s so true! I also hate the “Are you still single?” It’s the “still” word that really gets me. Like there is some specific time frame that a person is allowed to be single and I’ve surpassed the allotted time.

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  4. Actually, to me one of the best perks of being in a relationship is NOT having to shave my legs. I shaved way more when I was single and still felt the need to impress. Once you’ve locked someone in, what’s the point? Great list!

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