Evening Dear Reader,
I need your help on Monday. I’ll get to why in a minute, but first I need to explain something for legal reasons.
In case you haven’t noticed, I have become obsessed with autobiographies of funny women (see header to blog for further info). Whilst I attempted my own memoir last week, this week, to my dismay, I discovered that Jennifer Saunders has already written my life story.
In the first two chapters of her bestselling book Bonkers, not only does she mention that she used to mime the flute in the orchestra, but she also says she wants to be an archaeologist, AND she’s from Cheshire. This is my life!
Exhibit A: The Flute
In school I played the flute. No it was not cool.
My friend Anna and I discovered very early on that it is impossible to play the flute whilst laughing. Given that we both thought we were hilarious, we ended up miming our way through Yellow Bird at every school assembly.
Don’t worry too much – we were in the third orchestra in a school where only 4 people played the flute – expectations weren’t high. It was probably just a way to distract us whilst they restocked the vending machine.
Exhibit B: The Ambition
Ms Saunders has also copied my lifelong dream of wanting to become an archaeologist. I may have romanticised it a little. In my dream I am with Dan Snow in the Bahamas discovering an ancient burial ground whilst falling madly in love, not arse deep in mud somewhere in Burnley but whatever.
Exhibit C: The name
The third and most important fact you need to know about Bonkers is that throughout the book she refers to her readers as “dear reader”.
I know this book was written way before I started this blog but you have to believe me I didn’t steal this from her. That said, in view of our striking similarities I feel it is only prudent to advise that you start preparing for my BAFTA acceptance speech immediately. Clearly our lives are destined to head in the same direction.
Not wanting to tread on her toes, I have spent time this week racking my brain for another name for you.
Sweet Observer sounds a bit like a sugary pervert, Ambivalent Peruser is probably closest to the truth but not exciting enough for me, and Cherished Listener makes no sense. I am acutely aware that I have a very annoying voice so, even if there was an audiobook, I wouldn’t be reading it.
It is one of my aims in life to sound more like Scarlett Johanssen and less like an irate badger being impaled on an accordion.
So for now, I will continue to call you Dear Reader, until and unless the wonder that is Jennifer Saunders raises any issues with it. If that happens, not to sound too 90210, but I would literally die! And no offence but I would sell every single one of you if Ms Saunders told me to.
Now you are suitably offended, we get to the crux of the matter.
Dear Reader I need your help.
With all the excitement that was Halloween, Bonfire Night and what not. You may have forgotten that the UK Blog Awards are coming up and this guy has been entered!
I know I know – it is ridiculous. He’s only 6 months old for heaven’s sake. I should probably let him grow a bit more. I have many qualities but patience isn’t one of them. I have therefore decided to force him kicking and screaming into a sequinned outfit to be paraded around like the writing equivalent of Toddlers In Tiaras.
It’s for his own good.
I have been nominated in the individual Lifestyle and Most Innovative categories. Yes I nominated myself but somebody had to.
I am aware, Dear Reader, that by this stage much like the ginger Pussycat Doll, you are probably wondering what the hell you are doing here and whether anyone would notice if you left.
I am getting to it, I promise.
As with most things in life, I urge you to do the exact opposite of what Russell Brand is telling you to do. By this of course I mean don’t become a heroin addict and, more importantly, please vote!
Now I may not be too excited about who is the leader of my local council, I definitely don’t care who wins X-Factor, but I very much care about the UK Blog Awards 2015. I know that this little guy will be up against much more impressive, much more refined bloggers and the odds are definitely stacked against us, but everyone loves a good underdog story.
Think of Slumdog Millionaire, Billy Elliot, and The Karate Kid.
This blog is Daniel, you are Mr Miyagi.
Only with your wisdom and assistance will my blog be able to achieve its full potential.
So, Dearest Loveliest Sexiest Reader, I implore you to vote for Sophie, She Wrote on Monday 10th November. Rules do not permit me to vote for myself which is a bit of a bummer so you will have to do it for me. I will post details up on the blog and also via Twitter and Facebook pages. Unlike food, this I want to share with you and I urge you to share it with others.
I apologise in advance for harassing you like a gangly tween a Justin Beiber concert. I truly appreciate you (and may I say how lovely you are looking today).
As payment for your unending support here is a picture of me dressed as a banana, showing once again how truly mature and professional I can be.
Yours ever so gratefully