Hope you had a truly splendid week. I hate to be one of those people but hasn’t January just flown by!
FYI, as well as people who state the obvious, the list of people I don’t like also includes noisy eaters, sniffers (dear Lord please blow your nose), and thin people. Not for any other reason than the fact that they are thin. Thin people who also eat hamburgers and moan about how they can’t put on wait – you guys are the worst!
I am particularly annoyed with thin people this week as it slowly starting to dawn on me that I may have taken the whole “ice-skating” thing a bit too far. I use inverted commas because quite frankly I’m not sure me heaving myself off the ice, trying to do a jump and crash landing on my heavily yet naturally padded arse can count as actual skating.
In a moment of madness I worked out that I have around 18 weeks before this lady has to squidge herself into some form of Lycra for the British Adult Figure Skating Championships.
Sorry if that visual put you off your dinner. Such is my life.
Whilst we are on the subject – Dear people who make ice-skating dresses. Some of us need to wear a bra okay, please consider this next time you design straps the width of a miniature pig’s eyelashes.
In addition to my over-ambitious sporting achievements this week I attended an intensive introduction to script writing with Script Writing North. I would definitely recommend it. Handy hint for you – Script Writing is two words. You see , I’ve saved you a lot of bother already!
The course was great – we learned how to structure a 3 Act script, character development and all kinds of wonderful things. We also got to watch the first ten minutes of Up which I adore. If you haven’t seen it here it is –
When I arrived at the class I was worried that everyone would be film buffs and would be talking about existentialism and naming films with subtitles that I had never heard of. So imagine my terror when the teacher asked us to name our favourite film.
I swear I could have kissed the woman who said her favourite film was The Devil Wears Prada (which is one of the only films where I have actually read the book before the film came out!).
When it came round to me I said Pulp Fiction which I thought was a great shout. It genuinely is my favourite film and is both slightly cool and glaringly obvious.
Turns out Tarrentino is the exact opposite of what the class was trying to teach us so I had to pick another one. I didn’t have the nerve to confess that my real favourite film is Miss Congeniality (yeah I lied before – sorry) but in that instant I forgot the name of every other film I had ever seen.
All of them.
Now I know why those idiots on Family Fortunes do stupid things like shout “Chicken!” when asked to name something you take to the beach. The pressure was too much. I frantically tried to remember the name of a film, any film.
Oh God what are they all called??
You know the one with the woman and that guy?
Quick name something Sandra Bullock has been in that wasn’t total crap!
No, not The Blind Side – people will think you’re just saying that because she won an Oscar – and it wasn’t that great. Ok it was amazing but still don’t say that one!
After 6 minutes of intense panicking and trying desperately to think of something that wasn’t ‘Speed 2: Cruise Control’ I yelped
Great Soph, you have the film knowledge of an 11 year old. Thank you to the kind (and potentially attractive) guy with the oh so trendy beard who nodded and said “good film”. I’m 93% sure that was out of pity but still. It helped.
Embarrassing film confessions aside, the class was lots of fun. I am now determined to write some kind of script. I have all the tools I need. If someone could lend me a lead character, a plot basis, a genre and some kind of inciting incident I shall be much obliged.
For those of you keen to know, my planned activities for this weekend include going out for my lovely friend Becky’s birthday – awooo. I have pre-ordered a small pizza on wholemeal bread and a side salad. So. Exciting.
I will of course destroy all these good vibes by drinking lots of white wine and getting cheesy chips on the way home.
Becky is the girlfriend of the wonderful Mr Peter Brown – he of the blind date fame. Sadly, to those of you who were banking on me finding my true love via an amazing yet cringe inducing gameshow in Leeds, love has not blossomed.
The last time I heard from Number 1 was two weeks ago. Now I’m no relationship expert (gasp) but I’m guessing we wont be getting a puppy together any time soon. And we all know that getting a puppy is the universal sign of being in a grown-up relationship.
It will come as no surprise to you that the only time I have shared custody of anything with another human being is when people ask me to watch their drink when they go to the loo. Even then it is hit or miss whether I drink it or not.
Ah well, I don’t need him, why waste time when we all know that I will write an Oscar winning film for Gerard Butler, he will fall madly in love with me and we will live happily ever after.
Or I could meet a nice man at the ice-rink?
hmmm…. maybe not.