Definition of Clocking from urbandictionary.com:
“A highly effective means of pointing out hot members of the opposite sex to your associates (usually in public) without drawing undue attention to oneself…”
E.g. “Dude 11 o’clock, totally hot babe checking you out!”
Hi there Dear Reader!
I have to explain that I am writing this at 23:37 on Thursday night. I was just about to go to sleep in my extremely comfy and not at all sexy onesie when my friend Lauren sent me a Facebook link to a new app called Clocked.
Disclaimer – the following opinion on the Clocked app is supposed to be entertaining yet honest. This in no way should be taken as an endorsement or otherwise of the app or its users. If it works I will thank them at my wedding. If it doesn’t I will simply stay living with my parents for ever and ever and ever and ever…
In case you haven’t noticed, I am not really one for the dating scene. I’ve mentioned before that the last time I was in a relationship the iPad hadn’t been invented and phones weren’t touch screen. The world was a nicer place. A place where you could use your damn phone with your gloves on!
At this point I would like to point out that I am quite looking forward to a night in on Saturday. The parentals are out and I intend to be in my pjs eating a steak by 8pm followed by a glass of wine and a good puzzle.
Whilst this sounds like the ideal night for me, I am very aware that you, Dear Reader, may not feel the same. Being the incredibly generous and caring person I am, I have decided to take one for the team so to speak and test out this new dating app so that you don’t have to. Think of me as a dating Mr Muscle without the snazzy outfit or ability to get rid of limescale.
My first thought when I saw this was why on earth do we need another dating app? Surely if they were any good everyone would be married by now?!
The people behind Clocked believe that “compatibility is missing from today’s dating apps and that too much emphasis is placed on the superficial aspects.”
It pledges that “For each profile you will be able to see where you share similarities, making initial conversations easier to start and ultimately more successful.”
Get it? No, neither do I. But let’s power through.
Right. I have downloaded the app, synced it to my Facebook and away we go.
Step 1 – Choose Values.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting morals in online dating. I have to pick 3-5. Here is the list. I’m also not sure if I have to pick what values I have or what I would look for but I guess that is the same thing. I have put what I think they really mean in brackets to assist. I can’t emphasise enough that these are my views and not the views of the population at large.
Adventure (likes Go Ape, has a bike)
Ambition (still at university)
Appearance (owns a selfie stick and uses it non-ironically)
Authenticity (please don’t lie to me, I’m too fragile for online dating)
Creativity (whimsical approach to full time employment)
Curiosity (will read your phone whilst you are in the loo; possibly sexually undecided)
Excitement (has sky-dived, or is it sky-dove?)
Family (has children/scary ex-wife)
Friendship (yeah – whatevs(!))
Integrity (says things like “I have to be honest with you” and then insults the very fibres of your being)
Loyalty (for those who have been cheated on before; has eyes of a labradoodle)
Naughty (fancy a sh*g?)
Passion (Philandering cockwomble)
Positivity (sees good in everything; a fan of inspirational quotes)
Power (dictator of own country)
Romance (will buy you a Teddy Bear at least twice)
Spontaneousness (unable to plan anything ever)
Sport (watches football, played once in school)
Tradition (likes a gramophone; is probably a blacksmith)
Travel (went travelling in gap year not stopped talking about it)
Trust (will tell you you look fat if asked)
Wealth (owns land; has been at a party with someone who knows Pippa Middleton)
Work (attends many “Networking” Events; usually seen wearing pocket square)
I am not over the fact that this isn’t in proper alphabetical order.
How the hell am I supposed to choose out of these?? After serious deliberation I went for Adventure, Friendship and Loyalty. It sounds so much like an advert for a puppy I’m surprised they didn’t include “House-trained” or “Rolls over on command”, qualities I find useful in both partners and pets.
I note that they have removed the option of “Sense of humour” because, presumably everyone thinks they are funny when, sadly, we genuinely funny folk are a dying breed.
Step 2 – Edit profile.
My current profile picture is a group shot of me and my very attractive friends on a night out on Saturday. I am very tempted to keep this but if the profile is a group photo, 99% of the time the person is the ugliest one in the group.
I also find it helpful if your future husband doesn’t fancy your best friend first.
Profile picture changed.
Step 3 – Settings
Okay. It is basically Tinder. Great.
I have to set the distance from me and the age range which has automatically set to ages 19-50. I cannot bring myself to date someone that was born in either the 1990s or the 1960s so I have changed this to 29-36. Distance is in kilometres and I don’t understand it. Pretty sure I have limited myself to someone that is between my bedroom and my kitchen.
WARNING – it has an option for profession. I clicked on it thinking it would be lovely to go out with a forensic pathologist or an archaeologist. Turns out it syncs to your Linked In account. Not sure the folks at my current job really want to know who I am Clocking with. They barely tolerate me as it is (hi team).
Also I have assumed that “Clocking” is what people are going to call it. Let’s see if it sticks.
Now what? I have a message that says “You have 10 clocks left” and 23 hours. I have genuinely no idea what this means. What happens then? Do I win money? Is it some sort of weird gameshow like Anneka Rice’s Treasure Hunt? If so let me know as my shell suit and oversized microphone headset are at the dry cleaners.
The difference between Clocked and Tinder as far as I can tell is that Clocked is what would happen if Match.com and Tinder had a free love-child.
Not only does it tell you who is in the vicinity to you within your desired age range but it shows you how compatible you are with them – based on your earlier selection. There is the added pressure that there is some kind of time limit – I’ve yet to work out why but will let you know.
If they were drinks Clocked is the Prosecco to Tinder’s Lambrini – a little classier and less likely to make you vomit.
After five minutes I realise that the reason nothing is happening is not because the universe has decided I am actually undateable, but because the app only launched today, 12th February, and chances are there aren’t many 29-36 year old men within 30 yards of my house who are awake at this time of the night.
Everyone knows my future husband is currently asleep as he has to go to the gym in the morning before saving kittens from a burning building whilst baking me a cake.
Filled with ridiculous optimism. I’m off to bed.