Afternoon Dear Reader,
No, that was not a spelling mistake. I really did mean to say Bollards. Little, insignificant yet made of solid blimmin steel blimmin bollards to be precise.
I need to explain myself.
In case you haven’t been following this blog closely (shame on you) you may not know that I have decided to pick up my ice-skates and get this large backside back on my blades with the aim of competing in the British Adult Championships in June.
I’ll pause there whilst you stop laughing.
Are you done yet?
Frankly now you’re just being rude.
In order to be an “athlete” this involves a bit of practice, specifically at 6am on a Monday morning. 6am. I don’t normally get up that early unless I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa with half a kebab in my hand (that has never happened Mum, I promise).
The early start and my new found obsession for binge-watching the TV show Revenge mean that I am often less than awake on that particular day. This week I had a momentary lapse of concentration and managed to wrap my car around a small yet deadly steel pole outside my sister’s flat. Even though I was driving at about 5 miles per hour I still snapped the suspension thingamajig and broke the axle whaddyacallit in the process. I’d go into it in more detail but I don’t want to bore you with all my mechanical knowledge.
I’m surprised the doors didn’t fall off like in a cartoon.
At first I thought it was a write off. Turns out its not that bad but it’ll take a pretty penny to fix it.
Did I mention its my mum’s car? I guess I can stop writing my speech for Daughter of the Year!
wa wa waaow
To make it up to my mum I took her out for a lovely afternoon tea at The Midland Hotel in Manchester. Well, kind of. Okay – I won it in a raffle.
Daughter. Of. The. Year.
We had a lovely afternoon of tea and cake apart from the incredibly annoying woman who was sat next to us. I’m sure she is normally a lovely person but all she seemed to do yesterday was moan and moan and whine and moan. Basically she hated young people, children, puppies, rainbows and happiness. Here are a few snippets:
“And they just GAVE the child a mobile phone to play with!”
“In MY day my mum would say no and that was that!”
“They left ABSOLUTELY no room for me to walk!”
I would bet good money her name was Victoria Meldrew. I couldn’t concentrate on what my mum was saying for glaring at her in the hope she would eat a cake and shut up. I came close to throwing my cake at her but then I realised that would be stupid and go against everything I believe in.
At first my mum was telling me to ignore her but when she started having a go at “The Catholics” that was too much for even Sandi F to deal with. I started counter-shouting about how rude it is for people to talk really loudly and disparagingly about religion in a public place. I hoped she’d hear me but no.
So I said it a little louder.
After what seemed like a year she finally left. Just as well really, as I had started a Mexican wave of shouting which did not suit our rather posh surroundings.
If I ever turn into a cantankerous old woman you have my permission to shoot me.
Afternoon tea and car crashing aside I suppose I should maybe make it up to the lovely Sandi F. I can tell already that I will have upset her as after the last episode she made me promise not to write about her any more.
Then again she did ask me yesterday “So are you still doing that blog thing then?” so chances are she won’t be reading this.
On the subject of mothers. If you are British it is Mother’s Day on Sunday. Buy a card – mum’s love cards.
Also maybe pay for her to go for afternoon tea and try to avoid ramming her car into a steel wall.
Just a few things I have learned this week.
If you don’t want to take my advice (and clearly I am a bit crap at life) then you should listen to Mr T. As a tribute to mums the world over here is Mr T’s 1984 hit Treat Your Mother Right.
Thank you to Nick for bringing this into my life.
Happy Mother’s Day Mum xxx