Bonsoir mes Chers Lecteurs! Ca va?
Okay – that is the extent of my written French. I am a fluent speaker, and by fluent I mean some brie and a bottle of vin rouge and I think I am Coco Chanel when I probably sound like the policeman from Allo Allo: Continue reading
Hi there you
Yes its been blimmin ages since we last spoke. Loads of things have happened: I turned 30, my best friends got engaged (choir included), and I had half my cervix scoped out in Wythenshawe.
Yeah, I snook that in on purpose.
Hi there stranger!
Yes I’m starting another post with another apology but sod it , we both know you’re going to carry on reading so let’s just bypass the fact I haven’t written anything since June and move on with our lives.
I can’t decide if that hippo is cute or pervy but either way, I hope you are well.
Now I know it is uncharacteristically sunny for the UK at the moment so I will forgive you if you cant be bothered reading this or you are too distracted by the stench of human sweat on public transport that you will tell me you read it but haven’t. It’s fine. It’s very hot.
Standard public transport this week.
I know you probably don’t care but I am now a fully committed member of Weight Watchers.
Well helloo there Dear Reader!
It has been somewhat of a while (again) since we last spoke. How’ve you been?
Ooh sounds painful.
Me? How nice of you to ask. I’ve been pretty good actually (aside from the obvious insanity of writing an imaginary conversation – see above) Continue reading
Afternoon Dear Reader,
No, that was not a spelling mistake. I really did mean to say Bollards. Little, insignificant yet made of solid blimmin steel blimmin bollards to be precise.
I am genuinely impressed with myself that I am dressed as I am writing this (sorry boys). Not only that but it is also mid-afternoon and I am 100% sober AND I have not had any chocolate today. I am sat eating a chunk of Christmas ham but in my defence, I cooked it and it is delicious!
Cooked like Nigella only without the heaving bosom and inappropriate licking of spoons.
In case you have been wondering where I have been hiding for the past week or so, I have managed to divide my time equally between the pub, the fridge and my bed so if you haven’t been in any of those places then chances are we have not crossed Christmassy paths.
Believe me – if someone had been in my fridge you guys would be the first to know!
(no Im not singing Cristina Aguilera, just being polite mkay but if you just sang that to yourself – well done!!)
Taking this opportunity to send extremely warm Christmas wishes to you and everyone you hold dear.
Look to the person at your left and squeeze them….ow! goddam it why do I always get left with the weirdo?
Jokes (and restraining orders) aside, it’s the Christmas season and I, for one am very lucky that I have just a big bunch of lunatics to call my friends. I know it sounds harsh but seriously, these guys are idiots. When I say I’m the sane one you know you need to be worried.
I am aware that I am very lucky in the friend and family department – (the bedding dept not so much) ba dum dum chhh!
To everyone that I’ve met this year, and those Ive known for far too long, I wish you as much love as Mariah Carey wishes she could still squidge herself into that santa outfit.
If a dog could speak
Get over it M.
Anywhoo – I’m not great at the advice for no other reason than I’ve been single for 5 years and I live with my parents, but if you have that one person you need to hi 5 right now then let them know. If they are anything like my friends they have no idea what your talking about and will make you leave.
Merry Christmas and (as my friend Kim said when we were very drunk)
God Bless Us Every One!! xx
If you haven’t seen this film we will never be friends
Lots of Love