Bonsoir mes Chers Lecteurs! Ca va?
Okay – that is the extent of my written French. I am a fluent speaker, and by fluent I mean some brie and a bottle of vin rouge and I think I am Coco Chanel when I probably sound like the policeman from Allo Allo: Continue reading
Well helloo there Dear Reader!
It has been somewhat of a while (again) since we last spoke. How’ve you been?
Ooh sounds painful.
Me? How nice of you to ask. I’ve been pretty good actually (aside from the obvious insanity of writing an imaginary conversation – see above) Continue reading
Hola Queridio! Apologies to all my Spanish fans (?) for my poor grasp of your beautiful language but no hablo español. Once again, as happens about every 6-8 weeks, I must apologise for the lack of posts recently. In fact it has been two weeks since I last updated you on the car crash that is my life. I have no excuse why I didn’t post on 27th March. I think I was feeling a bit uninspired. I had managed to achieve the incredible feat of blocking myself out of my debit card AND then blocking myself out of the unblocking debit card facility at the cash machine. I also bought a book called How To Get A Grip – if that is any indication of how I was feeling. (A must read btw)
This is the only kind of grip I will ever probably get. Well done to whoever invented this!
I am genuinely impressed with myself that I am dressed as I am writing this (sorry boys). Not only that but it is also mid-afternoon and I am 100% sober AND I have not had any chocolate today. I am sat eating a chunk of Christmas ham but in my defence, I cooked it and it is delicious!
Cooked like Nigella only without the heaving bosom and inappropriate licking of spoons.
In case you have been wondering where I have been hiding for the past week or so, I have managed to divide my time equally between the pub, the fridge and my bed so if you haven’t been in any of those places then chances are we have not crossed Christmassy paths.
Believe me – if someone had been in my fridge you guys would be the first to know!
(no Im not singing Cristina Aguilera, just being polite mkay but if you just sang that to yourself – well done!!)
Taking this opportunity to send extremely warm Christmas wishes to you and everyone you hold dear.
Look to the person at your left and squeeze them….ow! goddam it why do I always get left with the weirdo?
Jokes (and restraining orders) aside, it’s the Christmas season and I, for one am very lucky that I have just a big bunch of lunatics to call my friends. I know it sounds harsh but seriously, these guys are idiots. When I say I’m the sane one you know you need to be worried.
I am aware that I am very lucky in the friend and family department – (the bedding dept not so much) ba dum dum chhh!
To everyone that I’ve met this year, and those Ive known for far too long, I wish you as much love as Mariah Carey wishes she could still squidge herself into that santa outfit.
If a dog could speak
Get over it M.
Anywhoo – I’m not great at the advice for no other reason than I’ve been single for 5 years and I live with my parents, but if you have that one person you need to hi 5 right now then let them know. If they are anything like my friends they have no idea what your talking about and will make you leave.
Merry Christmas and (as my friend Kim said when we were very drunk)
God Bless Us Every One!! xx
If you haven’t seen this film we will never be friends
Lots of Love
Because the star is in the Yeast!!
(ba dum dum chhhh!)
Whilst you are busy sewing your sides together after that hysterical joke – I am thrilled to announce that it has been listed in the top ten of the best (or worst) Christmas cracker jokes of 2014 by UKTV Gold! Continue reading
It happened again.
Just as I start to try and get my life together I’m back to square one faster than you can sing “Left a good job in the city….” Continue reading
Let Me Here You Say Way-Oh…”
If you just sang “Way-Oh” to yourself, congratulations you have passed the test. We are clearly kindred spirits and you are allowed to continue reading at your leisure. Continue reading