Definition of Clocking from urbandictionary.com:
“A highly effective means of pointing out hot members of the opposite sex to your associates (usually in public) without drawing undue attention to oneself…”
E.g. “Dude 11 o’clock, totally hot babe checking you out!”
Hi there Dear Reader!
I have to explain that I am writing this at 23:37 on Thursday night. I was just about to go to sleep in my extremely comfy and not at all sexy onesie when my friend Lauren sent me a Facebook link to a new app called Clocked.
Disclaimer – the following opinion on the Clocked app is supposed to be entertaining yet honest. This in no way should be taken as an endorsement or otherwise of the app or its users. If it works I will thank them at my wedding. If it doesn’t I will simply stay living with my parents for ever and ever and ever and ever…
Hope you had a truly splendid week. I hate to be one of those people but hasn’t January just flown by!
FYI, as well as people who state the obvious, the list of people I don’t like also includes noisy eaters, sniffers (dear Lord please blow your nose), and thin people. Not for any other reason than the fact that they are thin. Thin people who also eat hamburgers and moan about how they can’t put on wait – you guys are the worst! Continue reading
INT. A SITTING ROOM, TWO CHILDREN ARE SAT ON THE SOFA LOOKING INCREDIBLY BORED AND RUEING THE DAY THEY WERE BORN. (Much like you are right about now)
I will not continue this in script format mainly because I don’t know how to. I am, however, attending a script writing course tomorrow so you have that to look forward to next week.
All you need to know is that this is a continuation of Episode 1. I have been reading a lot of autobiographies recently (see pictures – links here). They all start with the same few chapters where the comedian/author/Nobel Peace Prize winner is living in some kind of loft struggling to make ends meet. No matter how tough the journey, the reader is safe in the knowledge that it all ends well and the person does achieve something otherwise they wouldn’t have written the book in the first place.
With the confidence and stupidity possessed only by myself and Katie Price, I have decided to write my autobiography before I actually achieve anything in the desperate hope that by the time I write the ending something fabulous will have happened. I only hope it doesn’t involve Celebrity Big Brother, plastic surgery or a bright pink horse trailer but you never know.
Happy New Year!!
I know, I know, it is practically February. My sincerest apollos (again) for the lack of post so far this year. I’m not very good at New Year’s Resolutions – clearly.
You have no idea of the strategic placing of friends it took to get this picture!
As much as I tried to muster up some enthusiasm for life last Friday I simply couldn’t. I’m sure you agree Dear Reader, that nothing can smack the Christmassy out of you like the first week back at work after the New Year. Well, that and the vague sensation that you ended up in Chinese Karaoke after the Christmas do. Continue reading
I am genuinely impressed with myself that I am dressed as I am writing this (sorry boys). Not only that but it is also mid-afternoon and I am 100% sober AND I have not had any chocolate today. I am sat eating a chunk of Christmas ham but in my defence, I cooked it and it is delicious!
Cooked like Nigella only without the heaving bosom and inappropriate licking of spoons.
In case you have been wondering where I have been hiding for the past week or so, I have managed to divide my time equally between the pub, the fridge and my bed so if you haven’t been in any of those places then chances are we have not crossed Christmassy paths.
Believe me – if someone had been in my fridge you guys would be the first to know!
(no Im not singing Cristina Aguilera, just being polite mkay but if you just sang that to yourself – well done!!)
Taking this opportunity to send extremely warm Christmas wishes to you and everyone you hold dear.
Look to the person at your left and squeeze them….ow! goddam it why do I always get left with the weirdo?
Jokes (and restraining orders) aside, it’s the Christmas season and I, for one am very lucky that I have just a big bunch of lunatics to call my friends. I know it sounds harsh but seriously, these guys are idiots. When I say I’m the sane one you know you need to be worried.
I am aware that I am very lucky in the friend and family department – (the bedding dept not so much) ba dum dum chhh!
To everyone that I’ve met this year, and those Ive known for far too long, I wish you as much love as Mariah Carey wishes she could still squidge herself into that santa outfit.
If a dog could speak
Get over it M.
Anywhoo – I’m not great at the advice for no other reason than I’ve been single for 5 years and I live with my parents, but if you have that one person you need to hi 5 right now then let them know. If they are anything like my friends they have no idea what your talking about and will make you leave.
Merry Christmas and (as my friend Kim said when we were very drunk)
God Bless Us Every One!! xx
If you haven’t seen this film we will never be friends
Lots of Love
Because the star is in the Yeast!!
(ba dum dum chhhh!)
Whilst you are busy sewing your sides together after that hysterical joke – I am thrilled to announce that it has been listed in the top ten of the best (or worst) Christmas cracker jokes of 2014 by UKTV Gold! Continue reading
This is a post I wrote as a submission for a book called People I want To Punch In the Throat. It didn’t quite make the cut. In hindsight this was probably because the brief asked for advice letters to your children as they leave home and, as we already know, the closest thing I have to a child is my Apple Mac, and I’ve just moved back home.
I should not be giving advice to anyone. Ever.
I never used it in the first place!
This is a letter I wrote to my 18 year old self giving myself advice about uni and what life had in store. It’s definitely is as narcissistic as it sounds but you can cope.
Anyway, seen as it isn’t going to make it to something people actually buy, I figured I’d unleash it on you lovely folk for free. No need to thank me. Your tears of despair are enough.
Also if you went to school or uni with me you may be in this.